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I am having a problem. This might be shameful for me to admit it, as this is not a usual thing to happen among girls.

So here it is the list of things I need to do to stop my problem. Once and for all!

1. Pray to Allah that I can stop this problem( before breaking the fast it is)
2. Do a lot of Taubat prayer
3. Read Al-Quran as much as you can
4. Busied yourself doing things: Ukelele, playing dress up, playing makeup, read books, watch movies
5. Don't see anything sinful
6. Don't sit alone
7. Improve your solat( solat membaiki akhlak diri)
8. Friends with good friends (your friends reflect for who you are)

Until here, this is all my list that I will really make sure that I can do it. I know I can do this. If I really want to make a change to be a better person, Allah will always ready to help me. As long as I have my faith in Him and I never give up on myself. Pray for me.

I also should think of people that along the way that never stop praying to Allah to make sure I will be a good person. People that love me and hope that I will be successful in my life. This problem that I am facing right now is haram, it makes Allah mad. What success will be given by Him to me if I keep making him mad?

I should change. I want Allah's blessing more than anything else in this world. I want to always do good, and be successful in Dunya and akhirah

I hate myself. I am not mature. I have slight social anxiety.

High school	College
LACK OF GOOD APPEARANCE  (selekeh)	QUITE WELL DRESSED  (need more confident to dress up but it is a good head start)
DON’T LIKE TO SEEM BEING ALONE, resulting myself to depend on my friend to go anywhere. I want to seem cool. Lol, now I just thought the hell is not cool being alone. Everyone has their own life, they don't want to know pon lah pasal kau haish..	CAN BE ALONE BRAVELY I can go anywhere myself without waiting on people (this is the thing that I proud the most)
A LITTLE BIT OFF WHEN DOING PRESENTATION,  I don’t feel confident because even though I speak confidently during presentation, my audience during high school is awful. They stare in puzzlement at you and making bad jokes..	REALLY CONFIDENT IN PRESENTATION I really appreciate my audience here in college. There are much mature and I can feel that they were really interested in the presentation. I also feel very confident because I can speak English quite well compared to my other classmates.
RUDE WITH TEACHERS AND SENIORS	RESPECT MY LECTURER But still shy
ALWAYS CURSING	NOT CURSING (ALMOST)
DON’T HAVE TRUE BEST FRIEND I friends in group. A group of eight. Whenever I have problems, I don’t really know whom to ask for help, as none of them are really close to me… we just you know, some of us happened to be friend just because that one people friend with another friend, so we altogether being friend.  But don’t get me wrong, I REALLY LOVE THEM. They make a good friend, they always make me laugh and happy. But I just don’t have that one friend that I can truly having deep conversation with	I HAVE MY OWN TRULY BEST FRIEND!! I really love her. I truly am. I always say to Allah how kind of Him to set her up as my friend. Alhamdulillah. I share almost everything with her. I go whenever with her. I feel safe with her. How I really looking forward to have that one friend where I can be myself…and here she is.
NOT MATURE, LIKE TO SEEK ATTENTION I do fool stuff just to look cute in front of juniors and boy. FUCK. And in fact none of them think I am cute, more to the stupid senior/girl I know I am pretty fuvk up kan dulu.	KNOW HOW TO CONTROL MYSELF I don’t do fool stuff just to gain respect from people
THROWING MYSELF AT BOYS Lol zaman gatal. I wish I can erase that part of my life. I literally always find a way to talk to boys. To think back at it again, I am pretty sure I look dumb in front of them. Furthermore, I am awkward okay. The fact that I am awkward but still make effort to mingle around boys is fuck up ergh	FUCK OFF BOYS My class only have 9 boys. I don’t give a damn about talking to them. They can go to hell. I only talk to them about works.
DEPENDANT But at this time, at least I know how to iron clothes and do laundry on my own	MORE INDEPENDENT I know how to cash out my money. How to on the mobile hotspot. How to buy top up credit. How to online shopping. How to shop alone. Speak bravely with strangers. I know none of this during high school. In fact this the real world out there.
I FEEL  THAT I BEEN LOOKED DOWN BY PEOPLE I always do stupid things, who would want to respect such person. I always feel that I am being humiliated. People here didn’t trust me to do things.	FEEL RESPECTED BY FRIENDS To be specific, by my classmates. My housemate is slightly not because they know the truly me. I am a goofy myself. I am clumsy, a chicken, an awkward. Conclusion: Be yourself, but don't really expose too much. People will look down at you. Eg: Aiman Tin* Be controlled, but don’t be controlled to much. People annoyed you for try had. Eg: Asa* Motaw* Be in between. Eg; Nabila* Razal* Reference: Episode the Sherry Show with these 3 different artist. I know you remember this, dearself

Its been quite a month I did not update any posts. The last time was during January. So here it goes.

Btw, this is just a post for my future self. Its gonna be quite cringy for anyone (except me) who read it. So, I hope that this post does not blow up in any social media (lol as if)

So, a few days ago, my class made a mini farewell party as we're all gonna part away soon (low key sad) then there is this "truth without dare" session. Everyone has to pick a question from this special box (this box is been passing around us in a circle) so somehow each one has their own Qs. AND they need to be honest.

One of the questions that I got,

"Which one do you prefer, guys with muscle or guys with a sense of humor?"

and straight away at that time, I answered that it will definitely guy with a sense of humor. Then they ask why I legit answered "yelaa muscles tu nak buat ape??!!" lolllll me and all of them burst into laughter. And there this one classmate ask " sape nak angkat tong gas?" and I was like " Alaa setakat tu Bangla pekerja tu boleh angkat" lolll me AGAIN. and again they also laugh at my answer

But that was my answer at that time. I mean I don't have a long time to answer it properly and you know with a serious answer. I mean we were having fun, so I only give the random answer.

Anywayyys, I actually have another answer. I mean the proper one.

For me, it doesn't matter how big your muscles are and how funny a guy can be.. if that guy cant take care of me properly, then all of those characteristics is automatic thrash!

Every girl in this world want to be truly loved by someone that can treat them really well, that can be nice to them all the time, that can be their superhero all the time, and can love them until eternity (LOL CRINGY I KNOW BUT LOL IM THE  ONLY ONE READING  IT SOOO FUCK IT)

Kalau jenis lawak, tapi perangai buruk, baik tak payah ( kata mudahnya hohohoo)

Those muscles and sense of humor is a bonus. And I know some guys have a hobby to build muscles, then nevermind. Continue and surely I will support it. I support everything for the one I loved. This also implies to my family and friend. I will always support them in anything.

Truly said, I'm not that kind of people that talk about love. I mean, it feels quite "euwww" to me when I think about it. But sometimes, things need to be said okayyy soooo...yea.

Bye and good night! Be yourself okay, everyone loves you. Ditch people who make you down, they don't deserve you.